Washington welcomes Ukraine dictator with open arms
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is visiting Washington D.C. to meet with President Biden and Congress today, most likely to beg for more money.
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Never one to miss out on a golden opportunity in every sense of the phrase, prolific beggar and Ukrainian dictator President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s official visit to Washington D.C. started on Wednesday.
In anticipation of Zelenskyy’s visit, Speaker Nancy Pelosi wrote a gushing official letter of welcome to Zelenskyy, inviting him to address a joint session of Congress, which took place after Zelenskyy finished hobnobbing with President Joe Biden — who I imagine had called Zelenskyy ‘Putin’ at least 3 times when cameras weren’t rolling.
I don’t know why, but I really got a kick out of Nancy’s letter.
His Excellency Volodymyr Zelenskyy
President of Ukraine
01220, Kyiv, 11 Bankova Str.
Jeez, Nancy, way to dox the guy. You do remember the Russians are looking for him, right? Also, the only thing ‘His Excellency’ is excellent at is begging for more U.S. taxpayer funds like the most high-profile panhandler in history. He certainly dresses the part. Imagine if Biden hosted state dinners while wearing a dirty Hooters™ t-shirt, that would be about the same as Zelenskyy’s usual appearance. Actually, thinking about it — you should do that, Joe. At least we could have a good laugh while you incinerate our future before our very eyes under your leadership.
Dear Mr. President:
It is with immense respect and admiration for your extraordinary leadership that I extend on behalf of bipartisan Congressional leadership an invitation to address a Joint Meeting of Congress on Wednesday, December 21, 2022.
Yeah, his leader ship is extraordinary, alright. I’m sure he’s the envy of Washington D.C. on a visceral level, given his penchant for arresting and persecuting journalists like Kirill Vyshensky, a man who was accused of treason to justify holding him without trial for over 400 days. But hey, he warned them when he seized power by stating that Ukraine “doesn’t need journalists” because they (Ukraine’s leadership) can communicate “directly” with the people. If Nancy and her ilk thought they could get away with it, people like myself would be drawn and quartered beside the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to serve as a deterrent to wrongthink. You need only peek at the Twitter files to see how the government feels about your free speech.
America and the world are in awe of the heroism of the Ukrainian people. In the face of Putin's horrific atrocities, Ukrainian freedom fighters have inspired the world with an iron will and an unbreakable spirit — fighting back against Russia's brutal, unjustified invasion.
I know I’m in awe of the heroism of this guy. Whatever you think about deserting one’s country in her hour of need, you have to respect the attempt. This dude tried to avoid becoming a soldier by imitating Bugs Bunny. It might have worked if he weren’t a giant. Does this count as misgendering? I can’t tell.
Also, iron will? More like ‘triumph of the will’, am I right? Last Nazi joke, I swear.
During this dark moment, your courageous, patriotic, indefatigable leadership has rallied not only your people, but the world, to join the frontlines of the fight for freedom. America and our allies have proudly answered your call: imposing devastating sanctions on Putin and ensuring Ukraine has the resources it needs to win this war.
I thought initially that Mike Tyson might have penned this letter, given the somewhat awkward use of 'indefatigable' in a sentence. Paul Pelosi must have gotten Nancy a thesaurus for Christmas. They keep it in the dungeon where he kept David Depape as a sex slave. Allegedly.
As for "answering the call" to assist Ukraine, that was your idea. No one consulted me about it. Or was it SBF's idea? I'm still trying to figure out who started the ball rolling on that whole money-laundering taxpayer funds through financial aid to Ukraine thing. You know, the one where they sent our money over to Ukraine, who then invested a sizeable portion of it into FTX's crypto offerings. Then, Sam Bankman-Fried happily filled the Democratic party's coffers with that ill-gotten money, along with the deposits of their customer base through campaign donations. But I digress.
And it was a privilege to hear from you and from Speaker Stefanchuk at the First Parliamentary Summit of the International Crimea Platform about how the importance of the free world’s unshakable solidarity with Ukraine.
Seriously, who wrote this shit? George W. Bush? I had to read that last sentence like 5 times, it kept breaking my brain. I would have thought the Speaker of the House would have a proofreader to make sure she doesn't insert dead end sentences into an official letter to a world leader. Your job is literally called “Speaker”, Nancy. I know you probably just got some primo stuff from Zelenskyy, but take it easy on the vodka.
The fight for Ukraine is the fight for democracy itself.
I love when people like Pelosi speak of things in such absolute terms, like we just got a game over in a Japanese Role-playing game or something. "The fight for Ukraine is lost. Democracy is no more... Restart from last savepoint?" That's how it read in my mind, anyway.
We look forward to hearing your inspiring message of unity, resilience and determination. Thank you for your leadership and consideration of this request.
Insert that Bernie Sanders meme with Zelenskyy's face superimposed into the default image here.
There we go.
Best regards, Naucy Peeoai. And I thought my signature was bad.
Anyway, now that we’ve looked at the letter, let’s focus a little more on the content of Zelenskyy’s official visit.
Naturally upon arrival, Zelenskyy met with Joe Biden first and foremost for a big photo op with lots of fake friendliness displayed for the cameras. But I suppose Zelenskyy was probably pretty happy to meet with his sugar daddy since there’s more money coming his way soon. There are many pictures of them pretending to share a joke as if Zelenskyy’s english is good enough to understand Joe Biden’s alzheimer’s dialect, pretending to walk around town, that sort of thing. You probably know the routine.
Afterward, they held a joint press conference where they fellated one another verbally as world leaders do when the cameras are rolling during official visits. Naturally nothing was said about the many times Zelenskyy demanded the U.S. and NATO directly intervene on Ukraine’s behalf to fully plunge us into World War 3, likely inducing a nuclear holocaust. But Zelenskyy did give a medal to Biden that he claims a Ukrainian war hero asked him to give to our President.
"He's very brave, and he said, 'Give it to a very brave president,'" said Zelenskyy, supposedly quoting the man who gave up his medal. And then everyone clapped, probably.
This reminds me of those tweets you see featuring someone lying about their 2-year-old asking for world peace for Christmas.
Random side note: whoever is doing the transcriptions for Biden has almost wholly given up on correcting his bumbling speech.
I don’t blame them. Work smarter, not harder.
Biden makes it a point to note that Wednesday marked the 300th day of the Ukraine-Russia conflict, and then proceeds to lie through his dentures that the conflict was wholly unprovoked. I guess those war crimes Ukraine committed by launching cluster bombs — a weapon that were banned by 123 countries in 2008 — into the Donbass region during the years-long lead-up to Russia’s invasion doesn’t count.
There are reports that Russia has been using cluster bombs in Ukraine, and maybe that’s true, but I find myself taking any reports like those with a grain or two of salt since Ukraine launched a missile into Poland and tried to pass it off as an attack by Russia on Poland, again trying to plunge the world into conflict.
It didn’t take too long for the subject of additional aid to come up. Fitting that he showed up a few days before Christmas to receive his gift. And here I thought he was Jewish.
”And once again, thank you, Mr. President, for $45 billion, because this is a big assistance, and I hope that the Congress will approve this financial assistance for our country. This is almost $45 billion. Thank you very much for the support. Every dollar of this investment for the United States is going to be a strengthening of global security.”
Thank you for $45 billion. By the way, here’s a 55 cent medal, asshole.
Call me crazy, but I think we lost out on that trade. Do We The People who are paying for all of this at least each get a turn at wearing that medal? I doubt it.
Earlier in the week, Zelenskyy made a trip to Bakhmut, a town in the Donbas region that has seen some of the heaviest fighting to date, whose population has decreased from pre-war numbers of 70,000 citizens to as low as an estimated 7,000. In a video of his meeting with Ukrainian troops this week, Zelenskyy almost seems to be complaining that the massive amounts of cash and weapons Ukraine has received from the U.S. and other nations is still not enough.
"The enemy increases the number of his troops," Zelenskyy stated in the aforementioned video. "We will pass on gratitude from our boys to the U.S. Congress and U.S. president for their support, but it is not enough. Our boys are braver, and we need more sophisticated weapons. There is a hint here: It is not enough."
This guy is worse than a televangelist. How much longer before we realize Zelenskyy is a grifter?
Zelenskyy also spoke in front of a joint session of Congress on Wednesday, though a sizeable number of seats still remained empty since many House reps couldn’t make it back to Washington in time to convene. I don’t blame them, I definitely wouldn’t break any appointments to see Zelenskyy speak. I don’t have several billion lying around to put in his collection plate.
”It's a great honor for me to be at the U.S. Congress and speak to you and all Americans! Against all odds and doom and gloom scenarios, Ukraine did not fall. Ukraine is alive and kicking,” said Zelenskyy. His flowery words were all to set up Congress for the infomercial that would follow. He’s trying to close a deal for billions of dollars, after all.
”From the United States to China, from Europe to Latin America, and from Africa to Australia – the world is too interconnected and interdependent to allow someone to stay aside – and at the same time – to feel safe when such a battle continues.”
“Our two nations are Allies in this battle.”
“And next year will be a turning point. The point, when Ukrainian courage and American resolve must guarantee the future of our common freedom. The freedom of people, who stand for their values.”
I feel like this speech should’ve had ‘In the arms of the angels’ by Sarah McLachlan playing in the background like an ASPCA commercial.
I was going to push back on Zelenskyy’s point about common freedom, but it checks out. Our intelligence community here in the United States works tirelessly to make sure a guy with 2 followers didn’t get away with dad jokes and memes about rigged elections on Twitter. Considering Zelenskyy’s hatred for truth, I think he and our own government officials are in agreement on that point.
Zelenskyy goes on to offer an emotional description of conditions in Bakhmut, which he visited on Tuesday before making the trip to the United States. All the war imagery is there - Land soaked with blood, roaring guns every hour, trenches in the Donbas changing hands several times a day... isn't that an excerpt from a book about World War 1? If it isn't, it should be. I suppose that's why Zelenskyy and Biden get along so famously — they're both plagiarists.
Of course, like any good con man, Zelenskyy follows the heart-wrenching details with a plea for additional support, in case any of those Congresspeople who were there to listen to him were still on the fence about things.
”So, here is the frontline – the tyranny, which has no lack of cruelty – against the lives of free people. And your support is crucial – not just to stand in such fights, but to get to the turning point. To win on the battlefield,” said Zelenskyy. I’m getting miles out of that Bernie Sanders meme I posted above on this one.
”We have artillery. Yes. Thank you. Is it enough? Honestly, not really. To ensure Bakhmut is not just a stronghold that holds back the Russian army – but for the Russian army to completely pull out – more cannons and shells are needed,” stated Zelenskyy, who clearly isn’t quite happy with the Patriot Batteries (truck-mounted missile launchers) Ukraine will be receiving from the U.S. that was announced earlier this week.
At the end of Zelenskyy’s sales pitch speech to Congress, he presented Speaker Pelosi and Vice President Harris with a Ukrainian flag autographed by real live Ukrainians. Well, I can’t confirm the ‘live’ part, but you get the point.
Likewise, Pelosi presented Zelenskyy with an American flag encased in wood and glass, in case there’s an Antifa riot in Ukraine and they need something to burn, I guess. I feel like the Azov Battalion would have something to say about that, though.
That just makes it all the more ironic that leftists on Twitter still have Ukrainian flags in their names on Twitter. They’re literally showing support for people who are their fundamental opposites, politically. But I digress.
All in all, this seems like a net positive. It was nice of Zelenskyy to take time out of his busy schedule of running a country that claims to be in a fight for its very existence to go clubbing in D.C. Refer to the video below for his sweet moves.